im sorry im bad
This is a letter I wrote to Chelsea via e-mail. At first I was mad at her. Then I just wanted to get things out in the open and say that I'm sorry. Ready, go:
"I don't come over just for cigarettes. I don't think you realize that I don't care about them. Seriously, I don't. I don't know how to get you to comprehend.
I can't forget about you Chels. Do you know how many times I wanted to give you up? I just wanted to say fuck it and forget everything we'd been through. But I couldn't. I'm attached to you. I don't know why.
And you say that you tried to be a good friend. And I saw that. I saw your effort. I tried to do it back, but i don't think you saw that.
I did ask you to come over! And I ask you all the time after school if you want to come hang out... but you never want to. So I stopped asking. And it's not my fault my mom's less willing to let people come over. That's how she is. She's always been like that.
And the whole Juan thing... don't worry about it. I like that you've found a friend in him. I dont know exactly whats going on with Josh though. When I called you like... last saturday, I sasked you to call me and tell me about everything. but you didnt. so right now, all i know is that you want to break up with him. and i want you to know for sure its because you dont love him and not because you like juan. you say you want time to yourself. and earlier this week (sunday?) you said you were on the phone all weekend. thats not alone.
and juan sounds like a cool guy. he should come hang out with us... i wasnt trying to say that hes a bad guy or sounds like one... he sounds cool. i just dont want you to jump into a relationship you're not ready for. im just worried thats whats going to happen.
and im sorry about wednesdays night. my mom doesnt want me alone in the house becaue blah blah blah she's fucking crazy blah blah. so she was stuck asking your mom. im sorry if you dont want me over. im hoping these emails clear some things up. i really am sorry about everything thats happened. and im sorry we can't seem to make things work out."
But I realize that I'm not sorry about anything. I can't be sorry for my actions. I don't want to justify them but any means. I just want to live life without having to explain everything. Why is that so hard?
-MJ
(Mood: Hopeful, Slightly Pissed)
"I don't come over just for cigarettes. I don't think you realize that I don't care about them. Seriously, I don't. I don't know how to get you to comprehend.
I can't forget about you Chels. Do you know how many times I wanted to give you up? I just wanted to say fuck it and forget everything we'd been through. But I couldn't. I'm attached to you. I don't know why.
And you say that you tried to be a good friend. And I saw that. I saw your effort. I tried to do it back, but i don't think you saw that.
I did ask you to come over! And I ask you all the time after school if you want to come hang out... but you never want to. So I stopped asking. And it's not my fault my mom's less willing to let people come over. That's how she is. She's always been like that.
And the whole Juan thing... don't worry about it. I like that you've found a friend in him. I dont know exactly whats going on with Josh though. When I called you like... last saturday, I sasked you to call me and tell me about everything. but you didnt. so right now, all i know is that you want to break up with him. and i want you to know for sure its because you dont love him and not because you like juan. you say you want time to yourself. and earlier this week (sunday?) you said you were on the phone all weekend. thats not alone.
and juan sounds like a cool guy. he should come hang out with us... i wasnt trying to say that hes a bad guy or sounds like one... he sounds cool. i just dont want you to jump into a relationship you're not ready for. im just worried thats whats going to happen.
and im sorry about wednesdays night. my mom doesnt want me alone in the house becaue blah blah blah she's fucking crazy blah blah. so she was stuck asking your mom. im sorry if you dont want me over. im hoping these emails clear some things up. i really am sorry about everything thats happened. and im sorry we can't seem to make things work out."
But I realize that I'm not sorry about anything. I can't be sorry for my actions. I don't want to justify them but any means. I just want to live life without having to explain everything. Why is that so hard?
-MJ
(Mood: Hopeful, Slightly Pissed)
posted by breatheme @ 6:42 AM
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