change

Dear Whoever:

Something happened Saturday night that's big for me. I slept with Chelsea's brother. We were drunk and it was a total surprise, but we thought it'd be better if no one knew. Chelsea knew though and she told everyone! She just can't keep her mouth shut when it doesn't even concern her. It's just a new feeling though, this whole situation.

Like.. this is what I emailed Lana about how it feels.

"Everytime he comes home, you wonder if something would happen again. And you wonder if you'd stop him. You feel anxious because there'sa chance something might happen and the air is tense but somewhat familiar. And you wonder if he's looking at you when your back is turned, or if he's wondering what he'd do if something started happening. You want something to happen because i's something new and that's always better. And you're confused if he thought it was a big horrid mistake and wants it out of his mind, or if he'll think about it and learn from it. Sometimes you begin to think about what would have happened if this happened or if that happened... and your mind has "what if's" coursing through at an alarming rate and you hope to god you won't let yourself give in, but you want to let go so bad, it hurts."

And that's how it felt to be around Matthew the next day. Another thing I emailed Lana:

"It's just all these what if's. Sunday was all tense and when he came in, I froze. I couldn't move and my mind was going a million miles an hour. I just felt like a jacket hanging from a single thread, ready to fall at any time. And I felt like an ice cube,all frozen and stiff and not able to get up for the life of me... But you're wondering all of these things and it's like the next thing he says will determine the fate of your "relationship" or "problem" or whatever it is. And I want to be able to hang out with him, but things are so different now. I can't look at him the same, as much as I want to... When Matthew came in to Chelsea's house, nothing else existed. It was just him and me and the only other time I felt that was in his room. But the world just stopped spinning and it seemed like nothing mattered because things were so tense and so delicated. Like one word can ruin everything. I don't know what to with Chelsea, and I don't know how things are going to end up, but in those few moments, I was scared to death. I don't know what. I don't love him and I didn't love him Saturday night. It was just a moment and I was caught up, and soon I just didn't want to stop.

I can deal with the repercussions of my actions, and I don't want to run, but it's just so crazy right now.

I don't know what to do."

Miranda Jade

(Mood: Depressed and Confused)