she's gonna break soon
Dear Laney, Lana, and Chelsea,
I don’t know where my life is going. It seems to be rolling downhill, and I feel like everyday is an uphill struggle I’m not winning. Nothing I do is good enough. I’ve cleaned up my room so much in the past two days. I’ve tried getting my grades up so much and I just can’t do it. I feel like I’m going to break.
I think I’m going to move to my dad’s. Mom is making me crazy. I don’t know what to do anymore. I wish she’d just kill me so dad would have a real reason for being so angry with her. I like being independent. I like her not being here; Dad doesn’t and he wants me there to end this suffering.
The truth is, I’m not a good writer. I suck. I just try to put meaning into my life and it’s not working out. I don’t even write stories anymore. I write stupid little wannabe books about Hanson. Where’s that going to get me in life? It’s a first class ticket to nowhere.
I am not talented. I can’t play guitar for shit and I don’t even know the names of keys on my keyboard. My songs are all about love and I don’t know love. I don’t even know what love feels like. Like, Chelsea had Nick and I’m sure that was so great. And Lana has Viny, and he loves her so much, or else he wouldn’t have talked to her again after that Marcus thing. I don’t know about Laney. I mean, what does she love? I don’t know my friends anymore. I don’t even know myself anymore.
I’m so ugly and fat and I’ll never get anyone worth writing a song over.
I’m crying so bad right now and I can’t really feel anything.
I just got off the phone with Dad. I told him I don’t want to move because of you guys. I love you three so much. I couldn’t live without you. (Just so you know, I can’t see anything because my eyes are so clouded with tears. It’s so blurry.) He told me I was being irrational. He asked me, “Why stay there for friends you aren’t even going to have in a few years?” I can’t stand that. Just promise me you’ll be there for me after high school. God, I need you guys so much.
He kept saying that it was all bullshit, what I was saying. He said once that he was getting a headache. I was just like… ‘Oh, well I thought he was someone I could just vent to, but I guess not.’
I kept telling him how I couldn’t leave because Chelsea is suicidal and I know she’d hurt or kill herself if I left. I’m so scared. I don’t want anything to change. I want everything to be normal. I don’t know what that is, but I want it so bad. I don’t think normal is as overrated as everyone says. I think it’s just perfect.
I don’t know what to do with myself right now. I’m such a mess. Zacky is laying right beside me because he’s scared too. I can feel it. He just wants to comfort me.
I don’t know what to say. My dad is trying to help me, but I just want control over my life and the events in it. And my mom. I just wish that she’d say that she’d miss me. That she’d blink before telling me that she can’t stand me.
The most I can say is that I don’t know. I don’t know what’s going to happen or how to feel or what to think about all this. I just know that everything’s a mess. And I feel like I’m falling apart.
-Miranda Jade
(Mood: Suicidal)
I don’t know where my life is going. It seems to be rolling downhill, and I feel like everyday is an uphill struggle I’m not winning. Nothing I do is good enough. I’ve cleaned up my room so much in the past two days. I’ve tried getting my grades up so much and I just can’t do it. I feel like I’m going to break.
I think I’m going to move to my dad’s. Mom is making me crazy. I don’t know what to do anymore. I wish she’d just kill me so dad would have a real reason for being so angry with her. I like being independent. I like her not being here; Dad doesn’t and he wants me there to end this suffering.
The truth is, I’m not a good writer. I suck. I just try to put meaning into my life and it’s not working out. I don’t even write stories anymore. I write stupid little wannabe books about Hanson. Where’s that going to get me in life? It’s a first class ticket to nowhere.
I am not talented. I can’t play guitar for shit and I don’t even know the names of keys on my keyboard. My songs are all about love and I don’t know love. I don’t even know what love feels like. Like, Chelsea had Nick and I’m sure that was so great. And Lana has Viny, and he loves her so much, or else he wouldn’t have talked to her again after that Marcus thing. I don’t know about Laney. I mean, what does she love? I don’t know my friends anymore. I don’t even know myself anymore.
I’m so ugly and fat and I’ll never get anyone worth writing a song over.
I’m crying so bad right now and I can’t really feel anything.
I just got off the phone with Dad. I told him I don’t want to move because of you guys. I love you three so much. I couldn’t live without you. (Just so you know, I can’t see anything because my eyes are so clouded with tears. It’s so blurry.) He told me I was being irrational. He asked me, “Why stay there for friends you aren’t even going to have in a few years?” I can’t stand that. Just promise me you’ll be there for me after high school. God, I need you guys so much.
He kept saying that it was all bullshit, what I was saying. He said once that he was getting a headache. I was just like… ‘Oh, well I thought he was someone I could just vent to, but I guess not.’
I kept telling him how I couldn’t leave because Chelsea is suicidal and I know she’d hurt or kill herself if I left. I’m so scared. I don’t want anything to change. I want everything to be normal. I don’t know what that is, but I want it so bad. I don’t think normal is as overrated as everyone says. I think it’s just perfect.
I don’t know what to do with myself right now. I’m such a mess. Zacky is laying right beside me because he’s scared too. I can feel it. He just wants to comfort me.
I don’t know what to say. My dad is trying to help me, but I just want control over my life and the events in it. And my mom. I just wish that she’d say that she’d miss me. That she’d blink before telling me that she can’t stand me.
The most I can say is that I don’t know. I don’t know what’s going to happen or how to feel or what to think about all this. I just know that everything’s a mess. And I feel like I’m falling apart.
-Miranda Jade
(Mood: Suicidal)
posted by breatheme @ 11:28 AM
1 Comments:
At 12:01 PM,
breatheme said…
Once you read this, you might be worried. Originally, this was a sort-of suicide letter. When I wrote it, all I wanted was to die. And it is so far my favorite because it shows me how I broke down, but managed to fix myself before it was too late.
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